If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Never floss with a stranger.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.