My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I rant, therefore I am.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.