Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.