Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Marriage is the death of hope.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.