There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

One man's folly is another man's wife.