If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?