I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.