Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

I never said most of the things I said.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.