If you're going through hell, keep going.
Never complain and never explain.
If you think you can do it, you can.
The dog that trots about finds a bone.
The most effective way to do it, is to do it.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
Only the educated are free.
What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.
Either you run the day or the day runs you.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
How young can you die of old age?
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.