Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.