It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

People are getting smarter nowadays they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.