Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.