Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.