Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.