Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.