I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

They certainly give very strange names to diseases.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.

Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.