Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I rememeber one time we were getting ready to go to South America and everything was packed up and in the car ready to go and I hid and I was crying because I really did not want to go, I wanted to play. I did not want to go.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.