Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.