A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.