I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I suppose I was a little bit of what would be called today a nerd. I didn't have girlfriends, and really I wasn't a very social boy.

I don't understand the whole dating thing. I know right off the bat if I'm interested in someone, and I don't want them to waste their money on me and take me out to eat if I know I'm not interested in that person.

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.

Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion.

Right now, I'm as single as a slice of American cheese.