Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.