When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.