All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

I've never really broken this down before, but, in movies, you almost have no connection to fans. And if you do TV, you're kind of connected, but they know you as the TV name not your real name. If you do radio, there's more of a bond there. And then if you do a podcast it's like you're literally inside of your fans.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.